The Moral Gym — Script (Unfiltered Edition)
The one where self-righteousness counts as cardio.
“Everyone’s doing self-improvement now.
Just not the kind that actually improves anything.”
🎙 INTRO — Welcome to the Workout You Didn’t Ask For
Right…
Here we are again.
Me talking, you listening — don’t pretend you don’t like it. You pressed play voluntarily.
Tonight we’re talking about morality.
Calma. I’m rolling my eyes too.
Apparently everyone now is “working on themselves.”
Not privately.
Not quietly.
Publicly.
Loudly.
With a ring light and a discount code.
I saw someone crying in their car the other day…
with perfect lighting.
Babe, that’s not healing — that’s content.
People say they’re in their “healing era.”
Era? You’re not a Marvel character.
You just blocked your ex and bought a beige jumper. Relax.
Everyone wants to be a better person —
but only if someone’s watching.
So welcome to The Moral Gym:
Where people stretch their empathy on Mondays,
run from accountability on Tuesdays,
and by Friday they’re bench-pressing guilt for engagement.
If you’re ready — great.
If you’re not — also great.
What burns heals, and you already signed up for this.
💪 PART 1 — Personal Best (but Make It Emotional)
People say self-improvement starts with looking in the mirror.
Yeah… tried that once. Didn’t like the attitude, so I stopped.
Everyone’s on a “journey.”
Love, the only journey you’ve been on is from your bed to the fridge and back — twice — and honestly, same.
Self-improvement used to be private.
You’d read a book, cry quietly, maybe buy a candle.
Now people cry on Instagram Stories with violin music.
Authenticity has choreography now.
Two symmetrical tears, good lighting, soft piano.
If you’re crying in HD, you’re not heartbroken — you’re filming a pilot.
Everyone’s a motivational speaker with no qualifications.
Just heartbreak and Wi-Fi.
People want credit for personal growth like it’s a loyalty program:
“Healed 5 times this month — get my free latte.”
If healing worked like that, I’d be immortal.
Boundaries used to be simple.
You didn’t like someone? You avoided them.
Done.
Now there are cinematic Reels with sun flares and jazz hands announcing friendship breakups.
And don’t get me started on “my truth.”
If everyone has their own personalised truth,
then nothing is true — it’s just marketing.
But silence doesn’t sell, does it?
So we keep performing growth like it’s a subscription series.
Welcome to the Personal Best Era:
Where self-improvement isn’t about becoming better —
just looking better while pretending to change.
💼 PART 2 — Corporate Saints (The Worst Gym Members)
You know what’s worse than fake people?
Fake companies pretending to be people.
They used to sell shoes and chicken nuggets.
Simple.
Now they sell morality with pastel graphics.
Every brand has a “cause” now.
Always the cheapest one trending that week.
“This month we stand for mental health.”
Do you?
Then maybe stop giving your staff panic attacks for sport.
Every apology sounds like it was written by ChatGPT after a stroke:
“We’re listening. We hear you. We’re learning.”
No you’re not.
You’re losing customers and sweating.
Oil companies rebrand with wind turbines in their ads
while drilling the planet like it’s a piñata.
“We care about the Earth.”
Sure. That’s why you’re wearing it as perfume.
Fast-food chains put rainbows on their logo for Pride,
but their staff still can’t afford the chips.
Love wins. Wages don’t.
Activism has merch now.
Trauma has tote bags.
Empathy has accessories.
It’s like Pokémon, but depressing.
We killed religion and replaced it with logos —
and now brands preach morality to us one ad at a time.
🏛 PART 3 — The Virtue Economy (A Gym With Direct Debit)
Welcome to the Virtue Economy.
Where outrage is currency, guilt has an interest rate,
and everyone’s morally overdrawn.
Once upon a time morality was philosophy.
Now it’s a marketing department with kombucha.
Being good used to be hard.
Now it’s expensive.
Just buy better branding.
Recycling isn’t saving the planet —
it’s saving your conscience.
Outrage is the real moneymaker.
The algorithm LOVES it.
You get angry, you scroll longer.
You scroll longer, they get richer.
Nuance? Doesn’t trend.
Complexity? Too heavy for TikTok.
So everything becomes binary:
Saint or cancelled.
Hero or villain.
Agree or I email your employer.
We call it accountability.
But let’s be honest — it’s entertainment.
The Colosseum didn’t close.
It just got Wi-Fi.
Even rebellion is franchised:
Che Guevara on a T-shirt made in a sweatshop.
And when we burn out, the system sells us self-care:
“You’ve done enough. Buy this candle.”
Even exhaustion is monetised.
Real virtue is quiet.
It doesn’t trend.
It doesn’t wear merch.
And that’s why nobody does it.
🎙 OUTRO — Cool Down
Right.
That’s enough moral cardio for one night.
You know when you leave the gym sore but pretending you enjoyed it?
That’s what morality feels like now —
a constant ache in the part of your brain that still gives a damn.
Everyone wants to be good —
but no one wants to do the boring bits of being good.
Real decency doesn’t trend.
It doesn’t need applause.
It’s not something you post — it’s something you do,
usually when no one’s clapping.
Silence is rebellious now —
because the algorithm can’t monetise it.
So log off.
Stretch your conscience.
Give your virtue a nap.
Stay loud when it matters.
Stay quiet when it counts.
And for the love of all things human…
stop filming everything.
Uninfluenced.
Unpaid.
Unfiltered.
I’m Noah Jackman —
and this is The Unfiltered Outsider.
🎧 Listen now
Spotify →
YouTube → https://www.youtube.com/@unfoutsider
Amazon Music → https://music.amazon.co.uk/podcasts/2618408b-2055-4537-8122-3514803e9518/unfiltered-outsider
Uninfluenced. Unpaid. Unfiltered.
Written and hosted by Noah Jackman.
© Unfiltered Outsider® — All Rights Reserved.